Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 36722 times)

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #25 on: July 28 2016, 13:50 »
...seen it before - still makes me laugh. I'm also, staunchly, of the pre-Facebook crowd and I have a similar band of followers.
ATB

Mark

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #26 on: July 28 2016, 17:05 »
Yes, since then I've got three more followers, one is driving an ambulance and is keeping station behind me, while the other two are on foot, dressed in white coats and carrying a straight jacket between them !!

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #27 on: July 29 2016, 12:36 »
hahahahaha  ;D  :tbu
ATB

Mark

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #28 on: September 13 2016, 06:52 »

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON ? OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #29 on: September 13 2016, 06:54 »
A short neurological test
 
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
 
 
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

 
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
 
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #30 on: September 15 2016, 07:58 »
Why Teachers Drink
 
Answers depend on how you read or hear the question and how well you spell?
 
The following   questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).   

Q. Name the four seasons. 
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? 
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope). 

Q. What happens to your body as you age? 
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.  (So true). 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination? 
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?   
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)? 
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!) 
 
Q. What is the fibula? 
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean? 
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control? 
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
 
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'. 
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome ..

Q. What is a seizure ? 
A. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).
 
Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.   (Irrefutable).
 
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? 
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.  (brilliant)
 
Q. What is a turbine? 
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
 
Soon they will vote...!

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #31 on: November 05 2016, 06:44 »
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool.
Billy walks on stage and asks him, "Can you help me wiv my hearing?"
The Pope says "yes," and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, removes his hands and says, "How is your hearing now?"
Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next  Wednesday."

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #32 on: December 24 2016, 11:43 »
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,


Then let's face it...

Your Pissed!

 
Merry Christmas and a Happy 2017!



MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #33 on: December 25 2016, 16:43 »
hahahaha, I've seen 4 already...!

Best wishes to you too, Salty, and everyone on the Forum.

Cheers
ATB

Mark

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #34 on: January 19 2017, 18:15 »
NOT AT ALL FUNNY, INDEED ITS A BIT ALARMING !!

The FUTURE is approaching faster than one can handle....!
 
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide.
 
Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt.
 
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years and, most people won't see it coming.
Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on film again?
 
Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen again with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3Dprinting, agriculture and jobs.Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution. Welcome to the Exponential Age .
 
Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
 
Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world.
 
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.
 
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world . This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
 
In the US , young lawyers already don't get jobs.Because of IBM's Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans.
 
So if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.
 
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses. (Does that mean the doctors are perched on their Gluteus Maximus while the nurses do the doctors job??).
 
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans. ( NEVER!/Albert)
 
Autonomous cars : In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You don't want to own a car anymore. You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving.
 
Our kids will never get a driver's licence and will never own a car.
 
It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% fewer cars than before. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.
 
1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles (100,000 km), with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles (10 million km). That will save a million lives each year.
 
Most car companies will probably become bankrupt. Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
 
Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla.
 
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x cheaper.Their car insurance business model will disappear.
 
Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighbourhood.
 
Electric cars will become mainstream about 2020. Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.
 
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact.
 
Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. Energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that can't last. Technology will take care of that strategy.
 
With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water. Desalination of salt water now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter (@ 0.25 cents). We don't have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as they want, for nearly no cost.
 
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.
 
It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease.. It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medical analysis, nearly for free Goodbye, medical establishment.
 
3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to $400 within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All major shoe companies have already started 3D printing shoes.
 
Some spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.
 
At the end of this year, new smart phones will have 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.
 
In China, they already 3D printed and built a complete 6-storey office building. By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.
 
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, first ask yourself: "In the future, do I think we will have that?" and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?
 
If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea. And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed to failure in the 21st century.
 
Work : 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a short time. This will require a rethink on wealth distribution.
 
Agriculture : There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future. Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all day on their fields.
 
Aeroponics will need much less water. The first Petri dish produced veal, is now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows. Imagine if we don't need that space anymore.
 
There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly. It contains more protein than meat. It will be labelled as "alternative protein source" (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).
 
There is an app called "moodies" which can already tell in which mood you?re in. By 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions, if you are lying. Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when they?re telling the truth and when they?re not.

But for all that guff, I bet neither the breweries nor the worlds oldest profession will go out of business!!

PS and how about a nice romantic 3D printed dinner for two ..............YERK !!!
 

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #35 on: February 01 2017, 18:26 »
FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE !

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Donald replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Donald said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Donald said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Donald said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Donald said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Donald said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

Donald has just moved into the White House.


P.S. In the last couple of weeks Trump has stood by, watched and raised no objections while a black man and his family were evicted from their home !!

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #36 on: February 04 2017, 23:23 »
 
SMART ASS
 
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
 
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
 
He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
 
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
he would shake it off and take a step up.
 
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
 
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
 
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
 
 
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
 
 
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
 
 
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
 
 
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
 
 
Give more.
 
 
Expect less.
 
 

NOW...
 
 
Enough of that crap. . .The donkey later came back
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..
 
 
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
 
 
When you do something wrong,
and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.
 
 
You have two choices...smile and close this page,
or pass this along to someone else to
spread the fun.
 

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #37 on: February 20 2017, 06:20 »
The Tomato Gardener
 
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard;
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.

Love, Papa

 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

 
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #38 on: April 20 2017, 07:58 »
Subject: Scouser
(For those unfamiliar with the word "Scouser," it is an irreverent but friendly name used in the UK for persons born within shouting distance of Liverpool, and shouting in this instance and for the benefit of our friends from down under, has nothing to do with their turn to buy the beer).

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at
another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until
suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly,
one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #39 on: May 01 2017, 22:25 »
THE ENGINEER

 

Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
 
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
 
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
 
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
 
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
 
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
 

artemis

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #40 on: May 04 2017, 23:02 »
A professor at a State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us all about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
========

artemis

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #41 on: May 06 2017, 19:26 »
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a
house,
Talking Dog for Sale .
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..
'You talk?' he asked.
'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looked up and said,
'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift,
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of
puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he
wanted for the dog.
'Ten euros..' the man said.
'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte..'

Craig

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #42 on: May 08 2017, 05:39 »
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were discussing how good their pubs were.

The Englishman started by saying that " at The Red Lion you could play darts for free as long as you like". They all agreed this was good.

The Scotsman, not wanting to be outdone replied " aye, at my local in the Gallowgate, they have happy hour and every third drink is free." They all agreed this was also good.

Patty the Irishman then stated " At my pub in Dublin, you can get all your drinks for free, and when you are suitably pissed, you can go upstairs and get as much sex as you can cope with, all free".

The Englishman and Scotsman, in disbelief then queried Patty, "Patty, you must go there all the time then?".

Patty replied "No, but my sister goes there all the time" 

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #43 on: July 07 2017, 07:25 »
THE GRUMPY PHARMACIST.


Upon arriving home from work, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
       
Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.  I had to call multiple times
 before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him,
"Just a minute, listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, but all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife."
.
.
.
.
.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her !!"

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #44 on: July 11 2017, 10:11 »
The (apparently) true story of the Chicken Gun.
 
Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!   
 
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to  simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the  windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
 
WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED  AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE  SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE  CONTROL  CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND  EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.  THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE  EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S  SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.   
 
NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO   
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"DEFROST THE CHICKEN."

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #45 on: August 01 2017, 09:19 »
THE DEAD COW LECTURE.

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table which was covered with a white sheet.   The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.  When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #46 on: August 01 2017, 16:01 »
Thanks, Salty. After today, I needed a good laugh. And that was it... hahahahahahaha!
ATB

Mark

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #47 on: August 09 2017, 10:15 »


Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days
 
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"   
 
The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"
 
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
 
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."  (UK auto accessory shop !!).

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #48 on: August 15 2017, 10:18 »
THE LIBRARY
 
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking;

I bet you felt embarrassed, right?

"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law and know how to screw people".

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #49 on: October 04 2017, 00:21 »
Elderly Couple watching TV

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and
forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, 
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel...
you know how to fish!"