Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 36724 times)

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #100 on: April 07 2021, 03:54 »
Subject: Psychiatrist v Bartender
 
 
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.”

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge I asked?”   
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.


Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having he asked?”
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so” said the shrink, and with a bit of an attitude he went on, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed, aint nobody under there now !”
 
It's always better to get a second opinion

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #101 on: May 10 2021, 05:32 »
Mama Knows Best……..

 

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Antonio for dinner.  He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Antonio’s roommate is.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Antonio and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading Mama’s thoughts, Antonio volunteered,

“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Antonio saying,

“Ever since your Mama came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,

Antonio

A few days later, Antonio received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Moral:

Never try to outwit your Mama

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #102 on: August 18 2021, 07:17 »
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
 
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.   He made no attempt to start the cab.   The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey?  Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
 
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.    I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."
 
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
 
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell...... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, that's a businessman!

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #103 on: August 22 2021, 18:44 »
Japanese Banking Uncertainty.

I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector :

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that
there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #104 on: September 19 2021, 08:36 »
WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet.
 *Bonus Question: *Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 One student, however, wrote the following:
 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
 As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
 Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 This gives us two possibilities:
 *1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
 *2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
 So, which is it?
 If we accept the postulate given to me by my girlfriend Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
 The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh God, I'm coming."
  The student received an A+ !!!!!!