JOKES

[Alphadug]

Crushed nuts. I'm still laughing!

[Salty]

Have a laugh and forget your problems for a minute or two.

 

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

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In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

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In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

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Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

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Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

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Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

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Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

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Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

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On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife

And Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya' think?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!

 ----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************** ****************************** ********************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile......hopefully the proof readers wil not be offended!

[Salty]

December 2019 this is not a joke, but is reported to be a very rare phenomenon

[Salty]

How to speak Blonde !

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO DUBLIN , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO DUBLIN.”

😂😂😂😂😂😂 sorry all my blondie friends 😂😂

[Salty]

Back in the Days.  -   A Rhyme to remind us older folk of what we are missing these days

(With a quick explanation for those not familiar with British currency pre decimalisation and the odd radio program before television really caught on.
A “tanner” was the colloquial name for a six pence coin, while a “bob” was the term for a twelve pence coin.
Listen with Mother was a radio story telling program for kids that used to be broadcast at 13.45 pm and which invariably started with the question “Are you sitting comfortably? Then we will begin!”

Back in the Days


Back in the days of tanners and bobs,

When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.

When football team families wore hand me down shoes,

And T.V gave only two channels to choose.

 
Back in the days of three- penny-bits,              (A multi sided coin value 3 pence)

when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.      (Head lice)

When snowballs were harmless; ice-slides were permitted

and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.

 

 

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,             (A non alcoholic drink for kids, also an irreverent term for ships engineers)

when children remained so for more than six years.

When children respected what older folks said,

and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

 

Back in the days of Listen with Mother,

when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so rare you could play in the street.

When Doctors made house calls and Police walked the beat.

 


Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,           (A popular radio comedy with Spike Milligan, and compulsory listening for everyone)

when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,

and your annual break was a day by the sea.

 

 

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,          (Now we are into TV programs and TV had nothing to do with personal orientation)

Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.

When children could freely wear National Health glasses,

and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.

 


Back in the days of rocking and reeling,

when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.

When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,

and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.    (A paper based betting system for guessing which football teams would win)

 


Back in the days when I was a lad,

I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.

Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.

Back in the days of tanners and bobs.

[Salty]

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

* IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

*   RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.  THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

*   I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD,  I'M 25 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING. 
   
*   WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

*   BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

*   LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

*   VEGETARIAN:  ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

*   I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY???  -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

*   IN MY DEFENCE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

*  MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

*  SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

*  CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON

*  I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

*  A WISE MAN ONCE SAID.............NOTHING.

[Salty]

The Altar Boy at Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[dgmultimedia]

December 2019 this is not a joke, but is reported to be a very rare phenomenon

Unfortunately not true - see 2029 !  ( didn't look any further forward as busted )

[Salty]

You’re right, and it doesn’t work too well for this year either. 823 years is a bit of a stretch too as apart from 2029, it also happens in 2035, 2040 and 2046, so that’s another bit of fake news on the rocks. Do you think we should let on to the Chinese or will that upset their fake feng shui ??

[Salty]

LAST TRIP TO COSTCO.


 
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Hemi the Stupid Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, what happened was I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say !!

[Salty]

THE ABC WIFE

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
 
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
 
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
 
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
 
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
.
.
.
.
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his left testicle.

[Salty]

Subject: $ 2.99Special



"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."


$2.99 SPECIAL
I love it................................
If you are a senior you will understand this one;
if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them
a little better, and if you are not a senior yet.......
God willing, someday you will be.....

The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast, and all for $2.99.


'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering ‘a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.


'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.


She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!

Always laugh when you can - it's cheaper than medicine!

[captpatrick211]

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.  Bartender says "okay, I'll serve you - but don't start anything!"

[Salty]

A LITTLE DITTY FROM A LADY
 
 I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.

You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.

They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.

We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60's -
If you only knew the truth!

There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.

Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?

We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!

So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!

It didn't really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no bloomin’ flour!

Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.

At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey,  even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!

So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this bloomin’ virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.

We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!
 
Stay safe. Best wishes to you all.

[Salty]

STIMULUS PACKAGE.

How the Stimulus Package Works

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

 
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, he stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

 
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

 
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

 
And that is how a Stimulus package works!!!

[Salty]

SOME MATH TO START THE MORNING WITH A LAUGH

 

This Is said to come from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years’ experience. (And not much else better to do with their time !!).

It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud!!!

This is a strictly ....  mathematical  viewpoint ... and it goes like  this:

What Makes  100%?

 
What does it mean  to give MORE than 100%?

 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings  where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 
How about achieving 103%?

 
What  makes up 100% in life?

 
Here's a little  mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 
If:
A B C D E F G H I J  K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

Is  represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  103%

AND, look how far ass kissing  will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7  = 118%

So, one can conclude  with mathematical certainty, that while  Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and  Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. 

Now you  know why Politicians are where they  are!           

 

Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula..............

[Salty]

A POEM FOR YOU

 
THE COVID IS RAGING   
MY LIFE IS A MESS

I LIVE IN PYJAMAS       
AND DON’T HAVE TO DRESS

I’M IN ISOLATION     
JUST STAYING AT HOME

AND WOULD GIVE MY LAST DOLLAR   
TO BE FREE TO ROAM

I’M SERIOUSLY AT RISK   
(OR THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY)

TELLING ME TO STAY IN     
AND NOT GO OUT EACH DAY

IN MY HEAD I’M SO YOUNG   
THOUGH MY LICENCE REVEALS

I’M A 70-PLUS SENIOR   
(BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT FEELS!)

WHEN I RUN OUT OF FOOD   
AND DELIVERIES ARE LATE

I HAVE TO BUY GROCERIES       
BETWEEN 7 AND 8

SO EARLY IN THE MORNING     
I HEAD OUT TO RESTOCK

AND DISCOVER A LINE UP     
THAT WINDS ‘ROUND THE BLOCK

SOCIAL DISTANCING SENIORS   
ALL 6 FEET APART

MAKE ME WONDER JUST WHEN   
I BECAME AN OLD FART

MY MEALS ARE REPETITIVE       
(A LOT LIKE MY GAS!)

AND I’M TIRED OF DISCUSSING       
WHY TRUMP IS AN ASS

MY LATEST NEW OUTFIT       
IS GLOVES AND A MASK

AND I’M STARTING TO WONDER     
IF I’M UP TO THIS TASK

I WASH ALL MY GROCERIES       
ALL FRUIT, MEAT AND VEG.......

WILL THIS ADDITIONAL PRECAUTION       
TIP ME OVER THE EDGE?

MY BEAUTIFUL BROWN HAIR       
HAS WIDE ROOTS OF GREY

NO HAIRDRESSERS AROUND       
TO HELP WASH THEM AWAY

I’VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF     
NOW I’M ANSWERING BACK

IS IT MONDAY OR FRIDAY     
I’VE REALLY LOST TRACK

I’VE STOPPED DOING HOUSEWORK     
IT’S WEEKS SINCE I’VE DUSTED

AND I KNOW WITHOUT VISITORS     
I’LL NEVER GET BUSTED

I FACETIME MY FRIENDS   
OR WE GROUP CHAT ON ZOOM

AND TRY TO PRETEND       
WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM

THANK GOD LIQUOR STORES   
ARE CONSIDERED ‘ESSENTIAL’

WITHOUT DAILY DRINKS   
THIS WOULD DRIVE US ALL MENTAL

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE     
IT IS GOOD TO REFLECT

ON WHAT THIS ALL MEANS         
AND WHAT WE CAN EXPECT

IT’S A TIME TO BE GRATEFUL   
FOR ALL THAT WE’VE GOT

LIKE A WARM HOUSE AND FOOD     
THAT OTHERS HAVE NOT

THE BOTTOM LINE HERE     
BY THE TIME THIS ALL ENDS

IS THAT WE’LL GET THROUGH IT     
WITH OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

SO EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER
IS A BIT OF A GRUMP

YOU CAN REALLY BE GRATEFUL       
YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO TRUMP!

       

[Salty]

Covid 19 won’t last forever !

[Salty]

Subject: Banking Rules


     The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $1,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent ... but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $100,000.”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $100,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed the stack of cash to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $99,500 back into her account.
.
.
.
Don't be difficult with old people ... we can outwit the young and dumb.

[Salty]

CONTEMPORARY JOKES*

🦸🏻‍♂- Not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.

✋🏻🤚🏻- Never thought my hands, will one day consume more alcohol than my liver...never!

💀- Quarantine seems like a Netflix series...just when you think its over, they release the next season.

😜- I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive in excess weight!

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦- can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family...
or can we change?

⏳- I’m not planning adding this 2020 to my age...I didn’t even use it!

😟- We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.

🙎🏻‍♀- To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them... how are you doing?

👨‍🦱👩🏼‍🦱- I feel like a teenager... no money in my wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded.

[Salty]

THE BACON TREE . . . . or

Two  Mexicans,  having  illegally  crossed  the  US Border  are  stuck  in  the  desert,  thirsty  &  starving.

  They  are  just  about  to  finally  give  up  &  await  the  end  when  all  of  a  sudden  Luis says .. .. .. .. ..

'Hey  Pepe  do you  smell  what  I  smell ?  Ees  bacon  I  theenk'

'Ess,  Luis  eet  sure  smell  like  bacon'

With  renewed  hope  they  struggle on,  up  the  next  sand  dune, and  there,  in  the  distance  is  a  tree  loaded  with  bacon.

There's  raw  bacon,  there's  fried  bacon,  back  bacon,  double  smoked  bacon .. .. .. .. .. Every  imaginable  kind  of  cured  pork.

'Pepe,  Pepe,  wees  saved  Eees  a  bacon  tree  !!'

'Luis, maybe  ees  a  meerage?  Wees  in  the  desert  remember'

Pepe,  since  when  deed  you  ever  hear  of  a  meerage  that  smell  like  bacon,  ees  no  meerage,  ees  a  bacon  tree!'

With  that  Luis  staggers  towards  the  tree.  He  gets  to  within  five  metres  with  Pepe  crawling  close  behind,  when  suddenly  a  machine  gun  opens  up  and  Luis  drops  like  a  wet  sack.  Mortally  wounded,  he  warns  Pepe  with  his  dying  breath .. .. .. .. ..

'Pepe....  go  back,  man,  you  was  right,  ees  not  a  bacon  tree'

'Luis,  Luis,  mi  amigo  .. .. ..  what  ees  it ?

Pepe .. .. .. ees  not  a  bacon  tree.  Ees ........

 

Ees......

 

Ees......

 

Ees......

 

Ees...... 

 

Ees......  A  ham  bush..  ..  .

[Salty]

Don't you just love Little Harold!

 

HAROLD MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVOURITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of
her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'

 

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

 

 If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends!

[Salty]

How to test yourself for Corona Virus.

Step One: Pour a glass of wine and see if you can smell it.
Srep Two: If you can smell the wine, then drink some and see if you can taste it,
Step Three: If you can smell and taste it, you can confirm that you don’t have Corona Virus.


Last night I did the test nine times, and all were negative, thank God.
Tonight I’m going to take the test again, because this morning I woke up with a headache and feel like I’m coming down with something. I’m so nervous !

[Salty]

A newly married couple in bed on their wedding night .
The woman says to her husband I have a confession !!! .............................
The husband says go on ..............,.........,,............well I used to be a hooker !!!!
Bloody hell the husband says then after a while he calms down
and says - well that actually turns me on - tell me more ..............

so the wife says - well my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan !!!!

[Salty]

Dr Fauci.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told Joe Biden "This morning, three Brazilian people died from Covid-19.”

 

Biden’s face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and, to everyone’s relief, Biden got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

 

His staff were nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from Joe Biden, as they nervously watched him while he sat, head in hands.

 

Finally, Joe looked up and with a shaky quivering voice asked Dr. Fauci, "How many people is a brazillion?"