Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 17361 times)

Alphadug

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #75 on: April 21 2019, 18:25 »
Crushed nuts. I'm still laughing!

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #76 on: April 21 2019, 20:04 »
Have a laugh and forget your problems for a minute or two.

 

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

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In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

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In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

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In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

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In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

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Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

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Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

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Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

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Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

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Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

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Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

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On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

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Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife

And Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya' think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


 

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile......hopefully the proof readers wil not be offended!

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #77 on: June 17 2019, 17:23 »
December 2019 this is not a joke, but is reported to be a very rare phenomenon


Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #78 on: July 04 2019, 16:05 »
How to speak Blonde !

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO DUBLIN , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO DUBLIN.”

😂😂😂😂😂😂 sorry all my blondie friends 😂😂

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #79 on: July 19 2019, 19:07 »
Back in the Days.  -   A Rhyme to remind us older folk of what we are missing these days

(With a quick explanation for those not familiar with British currency pre decimalisation and the odd radio program before television really caught on.
A “tanner” was the colloquial name for a six pence coin, while a “bob” was the term for a twelve pence coin.
Listen with Mother was a radio story telling program for kids that used to be broadcast at 13.45 pm and which invariably started with the question “Are you sitting comfortably? Then we will begin!”

Back in the Days


Back in the days of tanners and bobs,

When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.

When football team families wore hand me down shoes,

And T.V gave only two channels to choose.

 
Back in the days of three- penny-bits,              (A multi sided coin value 3 pence)

when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.      (Head lice)

When snowballs were harmless; ice-slides were permitted

and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.

 

 

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,             (A non alcoholic drink for kids, also an irreverent term for ships engineers)

when children remained so for more than six years.

When children respected what older folks said,

and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

 

Back in the days of Listen with Mother,

when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so rare you could play in the street.

When Doctors made house calls and Police walked the beat.

 


Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,           (A popular radio comedy with Spike Milligan, and compulsory listening for everyone)

when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,

and your annual break was a day by the sea.

 

 

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,          (Now we are into TV programs and TV had nothing to do with personal orientation)

Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.

When children could freely wear National Health glasses,

and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.

 


Back in the days of rocking and reeling,

when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.

When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,

and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.    (A paper based betting system for guessing which football teams would win)

 


Back in the days when I was a lad,

I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.

Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.

Back in the days of tanners and bobs.



Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #80 on: August 26 2019, 07:49 »
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

* IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

*   RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.  THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

*   I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD,  I'M 25 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING. 
   
*   WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

*   BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

*   LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

*   VEGETARIAN:  ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

*   I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY???  -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

*   IN MY DEFENCE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

*  MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

*  SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

*  CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON

*  I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

*  A WISE MAN ONCE SAID.............NOTHING.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #81 on: September 24 2019, 21:39 »
The Altar Boy at Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

dgmultimedia

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #82 on: September 26 2019, 12:05 »
December 2019 this is not a joke, but is reported to be a very rare phenomenon

Unfortunately not true - see 2029 !  ( didn't look any further forward as busted )

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #83 on: September 26 2019, 15:15 »
You’re right, and it doesn’t work too well for this year either. 823 years is a bit of a stretch too as apart from 2029, it also happens in 2035, 2040 and 2046, so that’s another bit of fake news on the rocks. Do you think we should let on to the Chinese or will that upset their fake feng shui ??

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #84 on: October 17 2019, 17:46 »
LAST TRIP TO COSTCO.


 
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Hemi the Stupid Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, what happened was I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say !!