Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 13920 times)

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #50 on: October 04 2017, 00:25 »
The Priest and a Rabbi.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked:

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded:
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked:

"Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied:

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham
sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

 A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest:

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him:

"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied:
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for

about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #51 on: October 05 2017, 07:11 »
Trump in Orlando

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class.  They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So he asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.  No other child volunteered.  Trump searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right.  And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... And you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room....

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #52 on: October 17 2017, 17:02 »
Truisms

 
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
 
I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
 
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
 
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
 
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
I'm great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
 
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
 
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
 
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
 
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
 
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
 
I bought a brand new vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
 
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more talented fool.
 
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
 
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
 
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
 
When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
 
My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test,  the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
 
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
 
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
 
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
 
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
 
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
 
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
 
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
 
Money is the root of all wealth.
 
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #53 on: November 12 2017, 16:54 »
The Six Affairs

 Part One - The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and asked his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He then put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #54 on: November 15 2017, 19:25 »
Part Two - The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted..

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #55 on: November 16 2017, 05:11 »
 Part Three - The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #56 on: January 29 2018, 19:12 »
Old Dr. Geezer

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

 

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

 

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

 

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- "This is Gasoline!"

 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00

 

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

 

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

 

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

 

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

 

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)...

 

Dr. Young: "Wait a minute, this is only $10!"

 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

 

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

 

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

 

ENJOY YOUR DAY!

P.S. This is written in large print for old Geezers...

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #57 on: February 14 2018, 17:05 »
THE ORIGINAL TEXT
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.
 
THE REACTION
Bob, feeling enraged and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to contemplate his next move.
He took out his phone to make the call to the police and saw he had another message.
.

.

.

.
THE SECOND TEXT
Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #58 on: March 14 2018, 22:19 »
Retired

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Knox:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Knox, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

* 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

* 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

* 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

* 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

* 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

* 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

* 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

* 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? EMTs were called.

* 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

* 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

* 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

* 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

* 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

* 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

* 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

* And last, but not least:

* 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


If you don't send this to your dearest friends; You will be depriving them of some good humor.

Enjoy Life - It has an expiration date.

dawntreader

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #59 on: May 13 2018, 10:16 »
From a recent post on the BBC website:
50 hilarious cuttings from The News Quiz
Lighting up every episode of The News Quiz are funny stories, misprints and typos sent in by listeners. They come filled with double entendres, mind-bending images and plain old smut and here are 50 of the very best.

Parents and guardians are being invited to a new Gloucestershire support group to help those who have children confronting gender issues. The group arranges outings once a month.
From the Gloucestershire Echo

Are you a man aged over 40? Windsor Lions Club is offering free prostate cancer checks with the help of a local estate agent.
From The Royal Borough Observer

Cameron Diaz encourages women to keep their pubic hair in her new book.
From eonline.com

Our wardens have removed a naked statue of Donald Trump from Union Square. The NYCP stands firmly against any unpermitted erections, no matter how small.
A statement from the New York City Parks department

Stench from Shropshire bio-gas site blamed on new employee.
From The Shropshire Star

Police seek hardened criminal after penis pump is stolen from Victoria sex shop.
From The Age Newspaper

Van Gogh was bleeding copiously after slashing his ear with a razor, so he wrapped the piece of ear in paper and walked to his favourite brothel where he gave it to a young woman he knew.
From The Guardian

Gold or Black Beats Headphones – were £169.99, now £179.99!
An online January offer from Hot UK Deals

A local man was fined on Monday for repeated trespassing and criminal damage. Margaret River Magistrates Court heard how the man entered a local school building by forcing open a window with another man.
From The Augusta Margaret River Times

Police are appealing for information after a naked man was seen near a busy Hampshire Road. The man has been described as white, six foot tall with thick wavy hair and prominent cheeks.
From the Southern Daily Echo

To those of you texting in regarding the news item about the Vera Lynn tribute flypast, this event has been hampered by poor weather, not by Paul Weller.
From BBC 6 Music

A local drug dealer was arrested on Thursday night. Strip searching the man, police found a large amount of crack down the back of his trousers.
From The Northampton Chronicle

It’s well known that erectile dysfunction is more common among older soldiers – which would explain a hefty bill for retired service members.
From the BBC News Website

The next Matinee Film screening in support of Halesworth Dementia Trust will be La La Land.
From a sign spotted in Halesworth Sussex

A New Study finds that Uranus opens every few hours to release solar wind.
From the International Business Times

Join us on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of the month for breakfast including Hot Sausages aimed at children under 10 years old.
From the St Peter's and St Andrew's parish magazine

A football supporter whose team have not won at home for almost a year was arrested after pulling his pants down during a match. Fellow Sunderland fans said the teenager defecated on his seat during a 3-1 defeat to Reading at the Stadium of light. A club spokesman said the matter was in the hands of the Northumbria Police.
From the Metro

23-year-old jockey Willy Twiston-Davies retires to focus on breeding.
From the BBC Sport website

A couple from South Wales have appeared at Hammersmith Magistrates Court after being captured on CCTV having sex in public at the Westfield Shopping Centre. The magistrate said that the couple would now be temporarily excluded from coming within the M25.
From The Metro

Surgeons are set to carry out the first penis transplant in the United States. The 12-hour procedure will involve stitching key nerves and blood vessels in an operation that doctors hope will improve patient’s quality of life and help them re-enter society.
From the BBC News Website

Tomorrow’s Health Walk will start at 10:00am. Meet outside the Chip Shop.
From the What’s On section of the Hereford Times 

BBC2 at 9:00pm “Tribes, Predators and Me” a programme where Gordon Buchanan learns to hunt crocodiles with his bare hands. Last in the series.
From a TV listing in the Telegraph 

In our latest newsletter we reported that President Obama ordered the explosion of Russian diplomats. This was an auto-correct of “expulsion” and we apologise.
A correction from a Boston publication 

Unfortunately, Slimming World has had to cancel its meetings here on Saturday mornings as the group is too large for the room.
A poster seen in a leisure centre 

A man stripped off and took a naked dip in the Bridgewater Canal in front of shocked passers-by. The man was described as white, about six foot tall and soaking wet.
From the Manchester Evening News 

The Progression of Wind Energy Trade Fair continues today as planned after it was necessary to evacuate the lightweight exhibition halls yesterday due to a cyclone.
From the German Tabloid Der Bild 

The South African National Defense Force has launched an investigation into an accident at Wallmansthal military base in which during a fire prevention exercise 83 military vehicles were completely destroyed by fire.
From South Africa’s Cape Times Newspaper 

“I remember Elton John put on a party for us during the 1986/87 Ashes tour. We saw CDs for the first time because he’d brought his own collection with him. I don’t think he actually played one of his own songs all night. It was fantastic.”
From the Daily Telegraph, a quote from former England cricketer Mike Gatting 

This toilet is a display model. Please ask a member of staff if you would like to watch a demonstration.
From a sign spotted at the London Boat Show.

Would-be apprentices at Sizewell B are invited to come to an information event on Saturday. Roger Barge, apprentice training co-ordinator, said: “Apprentices at the nuclear power station enjoy great training and a glowing future.”
From the East Anglian Daily Times

Nestlé has lost its bid to register the shape of its four-finger Kit Kat as a trademark. The judge began deliberating on the dispute in 2014 - but had a break to allow judges in Europe to consider legal issues.
From the Daily Mail 

Bristolians will once again be stripping off and getting on their bikes as part of the World Naked Bike Ride. This year’s event will be taking place on Saturday, June 4th and will set off at 11:00am from The Full Moon pub.
From the Bristol Observer

"There really are no holes barred when you’re working with someone you love."
From Radio 4’s Saturday Live Facebook Page 

Mud Walk! Find out what lives in the mud of Exmouth estuary. Opposite the toilets at Imperial Road Rec.
From Exeter Living Magazine 

A 12-week-old kitten was rescued from inside a living room sofa after fire officers chopped it up with hacksaws and hydraulic cutters.
From the Northern Echo 

Hello. I’m looking for a free or cheap double mattress. I’m heavily pregnant so I would be extremely grateful if you are also able to deliver.
From an advert spotted on Facebook 

Ladies and Gentlemen! Drop your trousers here for best results!
A sign spotted outside a London launderette 

The first meeting of the Erotic Writing group will take place on April 18th. Please enter via the back gate.
From an email about upcoming events at a Hertfordshire social group 

Mantle Books have announced that senior editor Sophie Orme will not be returning from maternity leave after an internal restructure.
From Bookseller Weekly

Due to unforeseen circumstances, clairvoyant Trisha will not be appearing in the Kevin Bird Suite tomorrow night.
A Tweet from Mansfield Town Football Club

Latex-free condoms: 5 stars. Reasonable price, came quick.
A review from the Amazon website

A monk who posted nude clips on social media has been defrocked.
From Cambodia’s Phnom Penh Post

A 72-year-old pensioner who was accused of flashing has claimed that any exposure was unintentional as he was merely crouching down to collect nuts off the pavement.
From the North Wales Daily Post

Your legs will be lovely and warm while you tackle the cold outdoors in these men’s thermal trousers. Multiple pockets are a handy feature to keep your essentials close to hand.
An advert for thermal trousers

Hundreds of people are seeking help with anger management every day as commuters implode with fury amid the stresses of getting from A to B. The British Association of Anger Management said its website was getting up to 500 hits a day.
From the Evening Standard

Six foot boa constrictor. Free to a good home. Very friendly, good eater, likes children.
From an advert in the pets section of the Sheerness Times and Guardian

Our accounts have been independently examined this year by Maureen Lamburn FCA, following John Thornton’s retirement, for which we are most grateful.
From Harpenden RSPB

A group of primary school children toured the Houses of Parliament this week thanks to their guide, Watford MP Richard Harrington. The children had an opportunity to grill Mr Hamilton before lunch.
From The Watford Observer 

Ever since the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle, CERN in Switzerland has been dedicated to furthering the study of physics. To this end, an experiment was set-up involving a Large Hardon Collider.
From the Universe Today 

Please do not bring plastic bin bags to wear. We’ve had runners tripping over them, and they just end up in landfill.
A warning to competitors in the 2017 Bath Half Marathon

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #60 on: May 17 2018, 08:00 »
SPAGHETTI


For 2 years a man was having an affair with  an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was  pregnant.
Not wanting to  ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the  child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when  the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him  a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
                       
One day, about 9 months later, he came home  to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange  post card today.'  'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'  he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband  read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:                   
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
                     
One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.


Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #61 on: June 05 2018, 07:16 »
POLITICAL PROMISES.


Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #62 on: July 03 2018, 18:23 »
ETERNAL LIFE

A man was walking along a beach when he came across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picked up the lamp and gave it a rub. A genie appeared and told him he has been granted one wish.


The man thought for a moment and said, "I want to live forever.”
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."


"OK, then” the man said,  “I want to die after a Labor government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie. 🧞‍♂️


Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #63 on: July 03 2018, 18:27 »
Women a Must watch regarding gun control and right to carry

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? 

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in 'The Villages' with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive."

"If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.  The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!"

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #64 on: July 22 2018, 10:48 »
The Baptist Cowboy
 

A cowboy with 3 beers in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #65 on: September 02 2018, 10:39 »
ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE

 
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics,

was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired Navy chief petty

officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee.

While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her

husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If

you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."

The husband responded: 
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm takin' a crap.  Please advise."

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #66 on: October 11 2018, 21:11 »
After a longish absence from posting a good joke, here’s one that’s got me tied up in knots trying to figure out who’s who !


A very complicated benefits question
 
Dear Sirs,

I have a very complicated Benefits Question:

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.  My father eventually married her, although without my authorization. 

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother, and my father became my son-in-law.

My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and is now my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, because he is the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I  am also my wife's grandchild ?

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #67 on: October 12 2018, 11:01 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Crackin'...
ATB

Mark

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #68 on: November 08 2018, 12:45 »
Apologies to all Engineers, Technicians, Team Leaders and Project Managers (and Math graduates, etc.).


-------------------------     Salary Theorem   ---------------------------

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Technicians will never earn as much
as Team Leaders and Project Managers."

This theorem can be supported by a mathematical equation based on the
following two postulates:

          1. Knowledge is Power.

          2. Time is Money.


As every engineer knows:

                   Power = Work / Time

Therefore:

since:         Knowledge = Power

and:           Time = Money

then:          Knowledge = Work / Money.


Solving for Money, we get:

          Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the
amount of work done.

Conclusion:

         The less you know, the more you make.

 ::)
ATB

Mark

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #69 on: November 09 2018, 07:40 »
I think I’ll have to throw this damn bus pass away, it keeps letting me get off at the wrong stop !!

Neil

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #70 on: December 05 2018, 11:16 »

Husband : Get you coat love, I'm going down the pub.

Wife : I'm not going!

Husband : I know, but I'm turning the heating off.

dawntreader

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #71 on: December 06 2018, 07:56 »
My pet wolf nearly got run down crossing the road so I showed him how to use pedestrian crossings correctly - he's aware wolf now

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #72 on: December 11 2018, 21:29 »
THE FESTIVE SEASON.

Tampax have just announced that they have decided to remove the string from their tampons and replace it with tinsel.

They went on to say that this will just be for the Christmas Period only !!

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #73 on: March 03 2019, 16:20 »
Subject: THE TAX RETURN

 
 
  This would be even funnier if it weren't so true.The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".

 

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note:

"Who did I leave out?

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #74 on: April 21 2019, 04:21 »
Happy memories of quieter times…………………..

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia   lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


 
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia   lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


 
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.