Author Topic: JOKES  (Read 17990 times)

Salty

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JOKES
« on: October 29 2015, 23:30 »
NINE MONTHS LATER !



 
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 
"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
 

"Yes, I do." said Bob
 

"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
 

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." 
 

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.   I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
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"She just died and left me everything."
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(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

MarkTheBike

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Re: Nine months later...........and nothing to do with boats!
« Reply #1 on: October 30 2015, 13:39 »
Not bad, Salty. Made me smile... :)
ATB

Mark

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #2 on: October 31 2015, 06:41 »
Me too Mark, and I've modified the title for this thread.


FLAWLESS MALE LOGIC ...
 
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #3 on: October 31 2015, 19:27 »
That made me laugh even more. Brilliant. We definitely need more jokes...
ATB

Mark

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #4 on: November 03 2015, 16:40 »
My Wife Won? t Like This? .

 
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

 
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

 
Are you okay, what's your name?"

 
"It?s Phil and I'm okay thanks," I replied.

 
"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

 
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

 
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

 
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

 
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

 
After a few restorative brandy?s, I thanked my host:

 
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

 
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know a thing.  By the way, where is she?"

 
"Still under the cart......" I said.......


Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
" Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
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"He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #5 on: November 19 2015, 23:27 »

JOKES


Alcohol Consumption


Check the last one out
 
 
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may have you wondering "What the hell happened to your underwear?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a Lunatic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #6 on: December 27 2015, 18:11 »
IF YOU WANT A JOB DONE RIGHT . . . . . .





Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #7 on: January 26 2016, 15:50 »
HEARING PROBLEMS . . .
 
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
 
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.  My hearing's perfect now.'   'Really,' answered the neighbour.  'What kind is it?'  'Twelve thirty...'
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:  'Get a hot Mama and be cheerful.' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that; I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 
One more . . .
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. 
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #8 on: January 27 2016, 16:19 »
As I get older.....

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #9 on: February 14 2016, 07:58 »
IT'S NOT A BIRD.
Although this looks at first glance like a parrot, it is in fact a female model who posed for Johannes Stötter, a fine art body painter. Using breathable paint, he spent hours painstakingly turning this woman into the image of a parrot, brushstroke by brushstroke,(and no doubt admiring his handiwork as he went !!).
The model's arm forms the parrot's head and beak, and her legs form the wing and tail feathers.
Remember: always take a closer look as things aren't always what they appear to be. Once you see her, the bird disappears.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #10 on: March 29 2016, 12:16 »


 







2 guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

 A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

 The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And
I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,

'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

 The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

 2 Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

 Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

 A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and

asks him how he is feeling.

 I'm O. K.   I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

 'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit,

so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'

 'Better get the 2 piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'







Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #11 on: April 13 2016, 07:04 »
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
 
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
 
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
 
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
#6 Old Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. (Well for sure it wasn't a bloke who wrote that line !!).
 
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
 
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
 
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
 
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
 

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." Albert Einstein

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #12 on: April 17 2016, 23:22 »
OLD HIMALAYAN CURE FOR CONSTIPATION



 

dawntreader

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #13 on: April 18 2016, 16:50 »
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same  night.

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #14 on: April 30 2016, 04:14 »
BEING A GENTLEMAN, and THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #15 on: May 03 2016, 22:19 »
I was sitting on the settee watching TV when I heard Mrs Figaro's voice from the kitchen.

?What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb ??

"Ooh, thanks, hon", I said, "I'll have chicken.?

?Shut up - you?re having soup. I was talking to the dog.?

------------------------------------------`

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It  was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me.'

The attorney, using sign  language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper  signs back: 'I don't know what you're talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is  in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The  Godfather asks the attorney: 'What'd he say?'

The  attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the  trigger.'

Moral: Whichever side they're on, lawyers ALWAYS win.
 
-------------------------------------------



 
ATB

Mark

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #16 on: May 03 2016, 22:35 »
HENRY THE BIKER

Henry the biker, was riding his Harley along the Big Sur in California when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Henry, because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'
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Henry pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
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God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
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The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
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God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #17 on: May 03 2016, 23:10 »
 ;D hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
ATB

Mark

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #18 on: May 04 2016, 08:54 »
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next.".

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

ATB

Mark

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #19 on: May 04 2016, 11:36 »
...not really jokes but amusing nonetheless.

ANSWERS BY KIDS

How do you decide who to marry?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


What is the right age to get married?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


What do you think your Mother and Father have in common?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


What do most people do on a date?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)


What would you do on a date that was turning sour?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


When is it OK to kiss someone?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made that rule?)


Is it better to be single or married?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8


How would you make a marriage work?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 
ATB

Mark

Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #20 on: May 04 2016, 17:59 »
My word, there are some really wise kids around these days.
Trouble comes when they get to be teenagers and they get infested with all kinds of hormones that go rampaging through their bodies, and all that wisdom flies out of the window.
But it can be fun while it lasts !

Good one Mark

MarkTheBike

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #21 on: May 08 2016, 19:56 »
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.? How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


-------------------------------------------------------------
French Teacher. "Charlie, you see that fly on the window? What's the French for 'Fly'"?

Charlie. "'Le Mouche', Miss."

French Teacher. "Not quite, Charlie. It's 'La Mouche'."

Charlie. "Blimey, Miss, you've got good eyesight...".
ATB

Mark

dawntreader

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #22 on: May 10 2016, 16:36 »
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.


Salty

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Re: JOKES
« Reply #24 on: July 28 2016, 09:41 »
This is absolutely spot on!!!
 
Hope it brings a smile - I know you are not all at the zimmer frame age but you have my permission to smile at us!!
 
Hi, Seniors (& other non-Facebook users)
 
For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists:
 
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while using the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.
 
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
 
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
 
And it works just like Facebook. I already have five people following me:
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Two police officers, a private investigator, a priest and a psychiatrist.