Bavaria Yacht Info

Member Forums => Scuttlebutt => Topic started by: Salty on October 29 2015, 23:30

Title: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 29 2015, 23:30
NINE MONTHS LATER !



 
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
 
"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
 

"Yes, I do." said Bob
 

"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
 

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." 
 

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.   I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
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"She just died and left me everything."
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(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
Title: Re: Nine months later...........and nothing to do with boats!
Post by: MarkTheBike on October 30 2015, 13:39
Not bad, Salty. Made me smile... :)
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 31 2015, 06:41
Me too Mark, and I've modified the title for this thread.


FLAWLESS MALE LOGIC ...
 
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on October 31 2015, 19:27
That made me laugh even more. Brilliant. We definitely need more jokes...
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on November 03 2015, 16:40
My Wife Won? t Like This? .

 
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

 
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

 
Are you okay, what's your name?"

 
"It?s Phil and I'm okay thanks," I replied.

 
"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

 
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

 
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

 
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

 
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

 
After a few restorative brandy?s, I thanked my host:

 
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

 
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know a thing.  By the way, where is she?"

 
"Still under the cart......" I said.......


Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
" Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
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"He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on November 19 2015, 23:27

JOKES


Alcohol Consumption


Check the last one out
 
 
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may have you wondering "What the hell happened to your underwear?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a Lunatic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on December 27 2015, 18:11
IF YOU WANT A JOB DONE RIGHT . . . . . .




Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on January 26 2016, 15:50
HEARING PROBLEMS . . .
 
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'  Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'  Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
 
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.  My hearing's perfect now.'   'Really,' answered the neighbour.  'What kind is it?'  'Twelve thirty...'
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc:  'Get a hot Mama and be cheerful.' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that; I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 
One more . . .
 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. 
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on January 27 2016, 16:19
As I get older.....
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on February 14 2016, 07:58
IT'S NOT A BIRD.
Although this looks at first glance like a parrot, it is in fact a female model who posed for Johannes Stötter, a fine art body painter. Using breathable paint, he spent hours painstakingly turning this woman into the image of a parrot, brushstroke by brushstroke,(and no doubt admiring his handiwork as he went !!).
The model's arm forms the parrot's head and beak, and her legs form the wing and tail feathers.
Remember: always take a closer look as things aren't always what they appear to be. Once you see her, the bird disappears.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on March 29 2016, 12:16


 







2 guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

 A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

 The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And
I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,

'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

 The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

 2 Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

 Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

 A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and

asks him how he is feeling.

 I'm O. K.   I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

 'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit,

so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'

 'Better get the 2 piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'






Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 13 2016, 07:04
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
 
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
 
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
 
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
#6 Old Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. (Well for sure it wasn't a bloke who wrote that line !!).
 
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
 
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
 
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
 
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
 

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." Albert Einstein
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 17 2016, 23:22
OLD HIMALAYAN CURE FOR CONSTIPATION



 
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: dawntreader on April 18 2016, 16:50
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same  night.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 30 2016, 04:14
BEING A GENTLEMAN, and THE SPEED OF LIGHT.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on May 03 2016, 22:19
I was sitting on the settee watching TV when I heard Mrs Figaro's voice from the kitchen.

?What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb ??

"Ooh, thanks, hon", I said, "I'll have chicken.?

?Shut up - you?re having soup. I was talking to the dog.?

------------------------------------------`

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It  was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me.'

The attorney, using sign  language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper  signs back: 'I don't know what you're talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is  in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The  Godfather asks the attorney: 'What'd he say?'

The  attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the  trigger.'

Moral: Whichever side they're on, lawyers ALWAYS win.
 
-------------------------------------------



 
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 03 2016, 22:35
HENRY THE BIKER

Henry the biker, was riding his Harley along the Big Sur in California when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Henry, because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'
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Henry pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
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God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
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The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
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God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on May 03 2016, 23:10
 ;D hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on May 04 2016, 08:54
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next.".

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on May 04 2016, 11:36
...not really jokes but amusing nonetheless.

ANSWERS BY KIDS

How do you decide who to marry?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


What is the right age to get married?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


What do you think your Mother and Father have in common?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


What do most people do on a date?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)


What would you do on a date that was turning sour?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


When is it OK to kiss someone?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made that rule?)


Is it better to be single or married?

(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


How would the world be different if people didn't get married?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8


How would you make a marriage work?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 04 2016, 17:59
My word, there are some really wise kids around these days.
Trouble comes when they get to be teenagers and they get infested with all kinds of hormones that go rampaging through their bodies, and all that wisdom flies out of the window.
But it can be fun while it lasts !

Good one Mark
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on May 08 2016, 19:56
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.? How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


-------------------------------------------------------------
French Teacher. "Charlie, you see that fly on the window? What's the French for 'Fly'"?

Charlie. "'Le Mouche', Miss."

French Teacher. "Not quite, Charlie. It's 'La Mouche'."

Charlie. "Blimey, Miss, you've got good eyesight...".
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: dawntreader on May 10 2016, 16:36
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 08 2016, 06:20
THE BOW FELL OFF !

This one has been around the block a few times, but it's still worth a look and is based around a true incident.

https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A9mSs25aOH9XgC4AGh.A3YlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTEydDVsbG5uBGNvbG8DaXIyBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDQjIzMjlfMQRzZWMDc2M-?p=the+bow+fell+off&back=https%3A%2F%2Fuk.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dthe%2Bbow%2Bfell%2Boff%26ei%3DUTF-8&fr=ipad&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOVP.V66731f80d10b46ecb168a4bdc968b17e%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgWPwlMv8lNI&tit=Friday+Joke+-+The+Front+Fell+Off&l=227&vid=e113ae9f1740eea858de5995f6d8cb4d&sigr=11b8s9me8&sigb=11uieok4d&sigt=110sj2cr6&sigi=12b8e4vgl
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 28 2016, 09:41
This is absolutely spot on!!!
 
Hope it brings a smile - I know you are not all at the zimmer frame age but you have my permission to smile at us!!
 
Hi, Seniors (& other non-Facebook users)
 
For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists:
 
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while using the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.
 
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
 
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
 
And it works just like Facebook. I already have five people following me:
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Two police officers, a private investigator, a priest and a psychiatrist.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on July 28 2016, 13:50
...seen it before - still makes me laugh. I'm also, staunchly, of the pre-Facebook crowd and I have a similar band of followers.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 28 2016, 17:05
Yes, since then I've got three more followers, one is driving an ambulance and is keeping station behind me, while the other two are on foot, dressed in white coats and carrying a straight jacket between them !!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on July 29 2016, 12:36
hahahahaha  ;D  :tbu
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 13 2016, 06:52

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
 

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON ? OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 13 2016, 06:54
A short neurological test
 
1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
 
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
 
 
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

 
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
 
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 15 2016, 07:58
Why Teachers Drink
 
Answers depend on how you read or hear the question and how well you spell?
 
The following   questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).   

Q. Name the four seasons. 
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? 
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope). 

Q. What happens to your body as you age? 
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.  (So true). 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination? 
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?   
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)? 
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!) 
 
Q. What is the fibula? 
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean? 
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control? 
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
 
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'. 
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome ..

Q. What is a seizure ? 
A. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).
 
Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.   (Irrefutable).
 
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? 
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.  (brilliant)
 
Q. What is a turbine? 
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
 
Soon they will vote...!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on November 05 2016, 06:44
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool.
Billy walks on stage and asks him, "Can you help me wiv my hearing?"
The Pope says "yes," and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, removes his hands and says, "How is your hearing now?"
Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next  Wednesday."
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on December 24 2016, 11:43
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,


Then let's face it...

Your Pissed!

 
Merry Christmas and a Happy 2017!


Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on December 25 2016, 16:43
hahahaha, I've seen 4 already...!

Best wishes to you too, Salty, and everyone on the Forum.

Cheers
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on January 19 2017, 18:15
NOT AT ALL FUNNY, INDEED ITS A BIT ALARMING !!

The FUTURE is approaching faster than one can handle....!
 
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide.
 
Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt.
 
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years and, most people won't see it coming.
Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on film again?
 
Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen again with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3Dprinting, agriculture and jobs.Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution. Welcome to the Exponential Age .
 
Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
 
Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world.
 
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.
 
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world . This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
 
In the US , young lawyers already don't get jobs.Because of IBM's Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans.
 
So if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.
 
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses. (Does that mean the doctors are perched on their Gluteus Maximus while the nurses do the doctors job??).
 
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans. ( NEVER!/Albert)
 
Autonomous cars : In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You don't want to own a car anymore. You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving.
 
Our kids will never get a driver's licence and will never own a car.
 
It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% fewer cars than before. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.
 
1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles (100,000 km), with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles (10 million km). That will save a million lives each year.
 
Most car companies will probably become bankrupt. Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
 
Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla.
 
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x cheaper.Their car insurance business model will disappear.
 
Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighbourhood.
 
Electric cars will become mainstream about 2020. Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.
 
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact.
 
Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. Energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that can't last. Technology will take care of that strategy.
 
With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water. Desalination of salt water now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter (@ 0.25 cents). We don't have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as they want, for nearly no cost.
 
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.
 
It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease.. It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medical analysis, nearly for free Goodbye, medical establishment.
 
3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to $400 within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All major shoe companies have already started 3D printing shoes.
 
Some spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.
 
At the end of this year, new smart phones will have 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.
 
In China, they already 3D printed and built a complete 6-storey office building. By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.
 
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, first ask yourself: "In the future, do I think we will have that?" and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?
 
If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea. And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed to failure in the 21st century.
 
Work : 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a short time. This will require a rethink on wealth distribution.
 
Agriculture : There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future. Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all day on their fields.
 
Aeroponics will need much less water. The first Petri dish produced veal, is now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows. Imagine if we don't need that space anymore.
 
There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly. It contains more protein than meat. It will be labelled as "alternative protein source" (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).
 
There is an app called "moodies" which can already tell in which mood you?re in. By 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions, if you are lying. Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when they?re telling the truth and when they?re not.

But for all that guff, I bet neither the breweries nor the worlds oldest profession will go out of business!!

PS and how about a nice romantic 3D printed dinner for two ..............YERK !!!
 
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on February 01 2017, 18:26
FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE !

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Donald replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Donald said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Donald said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Donald said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Donald said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Donald said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

Donald has just moved into the White House.


P.S. In the last couple of weeks Trump has stood by, watched and raised no objections while a black man and his family were evicted from their home !!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on February 04 2017, 23:23
 
SMART ASS
 
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
 
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
 
He invited all his neighbors to come over
and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.
 
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
he would shake it off and take a step up.
 
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
 
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
 
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
 
 
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
 
 
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
 
 
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
 
 
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
 
 
Give more.
 
 
Expect less.
 
 

NOW...
 
 
Enough of that crap. . .The donkey later came back
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..
 
 
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
 
 
When you do something wrong,
and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.
 
 
You have two choices...smile and close this page,
or pass this along to someone else to
spread the fun.
 
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on February 20 2017, 06:20
The Tomato Gardener
 
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard;
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.

Love, Papa

 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

 
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 
Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 20 2017, 07:58
Subject: Scouser
(For those unfamiliar with the word "Scouser," it is an irreverent but friendly name used in the UK for persons born within shouting distance of Liverpool, and shouting in this instance and for the benefit of our friends from down under, has nothing to do with their turn to buy the beer).

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at
another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until
suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly,
one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a
miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 01 2017, 22:25
THE ENGINEER

 

Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
 
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
 
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
 
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
 
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
 
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 
 
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: artemis on May 04 2017, 23:02
A professor at a State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us all about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
========
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: artemis on May 06 2017, 19:26
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a
house,
Talking Dog for Sale .
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..
'You talk?' he asked.
'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looked up and said,
'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift,
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of
puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he
wanted for the dog.
'Ten euros..' the man said.
'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte..'
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Craig on May 08 2017, 05:39
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were discussing how good their pubs were.

The Englishman started by saying that " at The Red Lion you could play darts for free as long as you like". They all agreed this was good.

The Scotsman, not wanting to be outdone replied " aye, at my local in the Gallowgate, they have happy hour and every third drink is free." They all agreed this was also good.

Patty the Irishman then stated " At my pub in Dublin, you can get all your drinks for free, and when you are suitably pissed, you can go upstairs and get as much sex as you can cope with, all free".

The Englishman and Scotsman, in disbelief then queried Patty, "Patty, you must go there all the time then?".

Patty replied "No, but my sister goes there all the time" 
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 07 2017, 07:25
THE GRUMPY PHARMACIST.


Upon arriving home from work, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
       
Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.  I had to call multiple times
 before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him,
"Just a minute, listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, but all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife."
.
.
.
.
.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her !!"
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 11 2017, 10:11
The (apparently) true story of the Chicken Gun.
 
Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!   
 
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to  simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the  windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
 
WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED  AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE  SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE  CONTROL  CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND  EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.  THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE  EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S  SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.   
 
NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO   
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

     
"DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 01 2017, 09:19
THE DEAD COW LECTURE.

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table which was covered with a white sheet.   The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.  When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on August 01 2017, 16:01
Thanks, Salty. After today, I needed a good laugh. And that was it... hahahahahahaha!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 09 2017, 10:15


Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days
 
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"   
 
The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"
 
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
 
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."  (UK auto accessory shop !!).
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 15 2017, 10:18
THE LIBRARY
 
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking;

I bet you felt embarrassed, right?

"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law and know how to screw people".
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 04 2017, 00:21
Elderly Couple watching TV

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and
forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, 
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel...
you know how to fish!"
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 04 2017, 00:25
The Priest and a Rabbi.

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked:

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded:
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked:

"Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied:

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham
sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

 A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest:

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him:

"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied:
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for

about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 05 2017, 07:11
Trump in Orlando

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class.  They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So he asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent.  No other child volunteered.  Trump searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right.  And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... And you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room....
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 17 2017, 17:02
Truisms

 
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
 
I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
 
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
 
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
 
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
I'm great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
 
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
 
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
 
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
 
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
 
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
 
I bought a brand new vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
 
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more talented fool.
 
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
 
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
 
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
 
When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.
 
My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test,  the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
 
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
 
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
 
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
 
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
 
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
 
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
 
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
 
Money is the root of all wealth.
 
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on November 12 2017, 16:54
The Six Affairs

 Part One - The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and asked his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He then put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on November 15 2017, 19:25
Part Two - The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted..

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on November 16 2017, 05:11
 Part Three - The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on January 29 2018, 19:12
Old Dr. Geezer

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

 

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

 

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

 

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- "This is Gasoline!"

 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00

 

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

 

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

 

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

 

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

 

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)...

 

Dr. Young: "Wait a minute, this is only $10!"

 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

 

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

 

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

 

ENJOY YOUR DAY!

P.S. This is written in large print for old Geezers...
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on February 14 2018, 17:05
THE ORIGINAL TEXT
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Alan.
 
THE REACTION
Bob, feeling enraged and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to contemplate his next move.
He took out his phone to make the call to the police and saw he had another message.
.

.

.

.
THE SECOND TEXT
Hi Bob, this is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on March 14 2018, 22:19
Retired

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Knox:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Knox, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

* 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

* 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

* 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

* 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

* 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

* 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

* 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

* 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone? EMTs were called.

* 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

* 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

* 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

* 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

* 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

* 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

* 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

* And last, but not least:

* 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


If you don't send this to your dearest friends; You will be depriving them of some good humor.

Enjoy Life - It has an expiration date.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: dawntreader on May 13 2018, 10:16
From a recent post on the BBC website:
50 hilarious cuttings from The News Quiz
Lighting up every episode of The News Quiz are funny stories, misprints and typos sent in by listeners. They come filled with double entendres, mind-bending images and plain old smut and here are 50 of the very best.

Parents and guardians are being invited to a new Gloucestershire support group to help those who have children confronting gender issues. The group arranges outings once a month.
From the Gloucestershire Echo

Are you a man aged over 40? Windsor Lions Club is offering free prostate cancer checks with the help of a local estate agent.
From The Royal Borough Observer

Cameron Diaz encourages women to keep their pubic hair in her new book.
From eonline.com

Our wardens have removed a naked statue of Donald Trump from Union Square. The NYCP stands firmly against any unpermitted erections, no matter how small.
A statement from the New York City Parks department

Stench from Shropshire bio-gas site blamed on new employee.
From The Shropshire Star

Police seek hardened criminal after penis pump is stolen from Victoria sex shop.
From The Age Newspaper

Van Gogh was bleeding copiously after slashing his ear with a razor, so he wrapped the piece of ear in paper and walked to his favourite brothel where he gave it to a young woman he knew.
From The Guardian

Gold or Black Beats Headphones – were £169.99, now £179.99!
An online January offer from Hot UK Deals

A local man was fined on Monday for repeated trespassing and criminal damage. Margaret River Magistrates Court heard how the man entered a local school building by forcing open a window with another man.
From The Augusta Margaret River Times

Police are appealing for information after a naked man was seen near a busy Hampshire Road. The man has been described as white, six foot tall with thick wavy hair and prominent cheeks.
From the Southern Daily Echo

To those of you texting in regarding the news item about the Vera Lynn tribute flypast, this event has been hampered by poor weather, not by Paul Weller.
From BBC 6 Music

A local drug dealer was arrested on Thursday night. Strip searching the man, police found a large amount of crack down the back of his trousers.
From The Northampton Chronicle

It’s well known that erectile dysfunction is more common among older soldiers – which would explain a hefty bill for retired service members.
From the BBC News Website

The next Matinee Film screening in support of Halesworth Dementia Trust will be La La Land.
From a sign spotted in Halesworth Sussex

A New Study finds that Uranus opens every few hours to release solar wind.
From the International Business Times

Join us on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of the month for breakfast including Hot Sausages aimed at children under 10 years old.
From the St Peter's and St Andrew's parish magazine

A football supporter whose team have not won at home for almost a year was arrested after pulling his pants down during a match. Fellow Sunderland fans said the teenager defecated on his seat during a 3-1 defeat to Reading at the Stadium of light. A club spokesman said the matter was in the hands of the Northumbria Police.
From the Metro

23-year-old jockey Willy Twiston-Davies retires to focus on breeding.
From the BBC Sport website

A couple from South Wales have appeared at Hammersmith Magistrates Court after being captured on CCTV having sex in public at the Westfield Shopping Centre. The magistrate said that the couple would now be temporarily excluded from coming within the M25.
From The Metro

Surgeons are set to carry out the first penis transplant in the United States. The 12-hour procedure will involve stitching key nerves and blood vessels in an operation that doctors hope will improve patient’s quality of life and help them re-enter society.
From the BBC News Website

Tomorrow’s Health Walk will start at 10:00am. Meet outside the Chip Shop.
From the What’s On section of the Hereford Times 

BBC2 at 9:00pm “Tribes, Predators and Me” a programme where Gordon Buchanan learns to hunt crocodiles with his bare hands. Last in the series.
From a TV listing in the Telegraph 

In our latest newsletter we reported that President Obama ordered the explosion of Russian diplomats. This was an auto-correct of “expulsion” and we apologise.
A correction from a Boston publication 

Unfortunately, Slimming World has had to cancel its meetings here on Saturday mornings as the group is too large for the room.
A poster seen in a leisure centre 

A man stripped off and took a naked dip in the Bridgewater Canal in front of shocked passers-by. The man was described as white, about six foot tall and soaking wet.
From the Manchester Evening News 

The Progression of Wind Energy Trade Fair continues today as planned after it was necessary to evacuate the lightweight exhibition halls yesterday due to a cyclone.
From the German Tabloid Der Bild 

The South African National Defense Force has launched an investigation into an accident at Wallmansthal military base in which during a fire prevention exercise 83 military vehicles were completely destroyed by fire.
From South Africa’s Cape Times Newspaper 

“I remember Elton John put on a party for us during the 1986/87 Ashes tour. We saw CDs for the first time because he’d brought his own collection with him. I don’t think he actually played one of his own songs all night. It was fantastic.”
From the Daily Telegraph, a quote from former England cricketer Mike Gatting 

This toilet is a display model. Please ask a member of staff if you would like to watch a demonstration.
From a sign spotted at the London Boat Show.

Would-be apprentices at Sizewell B are invited to come to an information event on Saturday. Roger Barge, apprentice training co-ordinator, said: “Apprentices at the nuclear power station enjoy great training and a glowing future.”
From the East Anglian Daily Times

Nestlé has lost its bid to register the shape of its four-finger Kit Kat as a trademark. The judge began deliberating on the dispute in 2014 - but had a break to allow judges in Europe to consider legal issues.
From the Daily Mail 

Bristolians will once again be stripping off and getting on their bikes as part of the World Naked Bike Ride. This year’s event will be taking place on Saturday, June 4th and will set off at 11:00am from The Full Moon pub.
From the Bristol Observer

"There really are no holes barred when you’re working with someone you love."
From Radio 4’s Saturday Live Facebook Page 

Mud Walk! Find out what lives in the mud of Exmouth estuary. Opposite the toilets at Imperial Road Rec.
From Exeter Living Magazine 

A 12-week-old kitten was rescued from inside a living room sofa after fire officers chopped it up with hacksaws and hydraulic cutters.
From the Northern Echo 

Hello. I’m looking for a free or cheap double mattress. I’m heavily pregnant so I would be extremely grateful if you are also able to deliver.
From an advert spotted on Facebook 

Ladies and Gentlemen! Drop your trousers here for best results!
A sign spotted outside a London launderette 

The first meeting of the Erotic Writing group will take place on April 18th. Please enter via the back gate.
From an email about upcoming events at a Hertfordshire social group 

Mantle Books have announced that senior editor Sophie Orme will not be returning from maternity leave after an internal restructure.
From Bookseller Weekly

Due to unforeseen circumstances, clairvoyant Trisha will not be appearing in the Kevin Bird Suite tomorrow night.
A Tweet from Mansfield Town Football Club

Latex-free condoms: 5 stars. Reasonable price, came quick.
A review from the Amazon website

A monk who posted nude clips on social media has been defrocked.
From Cambodia’s Phnom Penh Post

A 72-year-old pensioner who was accused of flashing has claimed that any exposure was unintentional as he was merely crouching down to collect nuts off the pavement.
From the North Wales Daily Post

Your legs will be lovely and warm while you tackle the cold outdoors in these men’s thermal trousers. Multiple pockets are a handy feature to keep your essentials close to hand.
An advert for thermal trousers

Hundreds of people are seeking help with anger management every day as commuters implode with fury amid the stresses of getting from A to B. The British Association of Anger Management said its website was getting up to 500 hits a day.
From the Evening Standard

Six foot boa constrictor. Free to a good home. Very friendly, good eater, likes children.
From an advert in the pets section of the Sheerness Times and Guardian

Our accounts have been independently examined this year by Maureen Lamburn FCA, following John Thornton’s retirement, for which we are most grateful.
From Harpenden RSPB

A group of primary school children toured the Houses of Parliament this week thanks to their guide, Watford MP Richard Harrington. The children had an opportunity to grill Mr Hamilton before lunch.
From The Watford Observer 

Ever since the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle, CERN in Switzerland has been dedicated to furthering the study of physics. To this end, an experiment was set-up involving a Large Hardon Collider.
From the Universe Today 

Please do not bring plastic bin bags to wear. We’ve had runners tripping over them, and they just end up in landfill.
A warning to competitors in the 2017 Bath Half Marathon
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 17 2018, 08:00
SPAGHETTI


For 2 years a man was having an affair with  an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was  pregnant.
Not wanting to  ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the  child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when  the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him  a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
                       
One day, about 9 months later, he came home  to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange  post card today.'  'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'  he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband  read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:                   
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
                     
One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on June 05 2018, 07:16
POLITICAL PROMISES.

Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 03 2018, 18:23
ETERNAL LIFE

A man was walking along a beach when he came across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picked up the lamp and gave it a rub. A genie appeared and told him he has been granted one wish.


The man thought for a moment and said, "I want to live forever.”
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."


"OK, then” the man said,  “I want to die after a Labor government balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”

"You crafty little bastard," said the genie. 🧞‍♂️

Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 03 2018, 18:27
Women a Must watch regarding gun control and right to carry

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? 

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in 'The Villages' with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive."

"If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.  The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!"
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 22 2018, 10:48
The Baptist Cowboy
 

A cowboy with 3 beers in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 02 2018, 10:39
ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE

 
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics,

was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired Navy chief petty

officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee.

While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her

husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If

you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."

The husband responded: 
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm takin' a crap.  Please advise."
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 11 2018, 21:11
After a longish absence from posting a good joke, here’s one that’s got me tied up in knots trying to figure out who’s who !


A very complicated benefits question
 
Dear Sirs,

I have a very complicated Benefits Question:

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.
After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.  My father eventually married her, although without my authorization. 

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother, and my father became my son-in-law.

My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and is now my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, because he is the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I  am also my wife's grandchild ?

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on October 12 2018, 11:01
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Crackin'...
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: MarkTheBike on November 08 2018, 12:45
Apologies to all Engineers, Technicians, Team Leaders and Project Managers (and Math graduates, etc.).


-------------------------     Salary Theorem   ---------------------------

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Technicians will never earn as much
as Team Leaders and Project Managers."

This theorem can be supported by a mathematical equation based on the
following two postulates:

          1. Knowledge is Power.

          2. Time is Money.


As every engineer knows:

                   Power = Work / Time

Therefore:

since:         Knowledge = Power

and:           Time = Money

then:          Knowledge = Work / Money.


Solving for Money, we get:

          Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the
amount of work done.

Conclusion:

         The less you know, the more you make.

 ::)
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on November 09 2018, 07:40
I think I’ll have to throw this damn bus pass away, it keeps letting me get off at the wrong stop !!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Neil on December 05 2018, 11:16

Husband : Get you coat love, I'm going down the pub.

Wife : I'm not going!

Husband : I know, but I'm turning the heating off.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: dawntreader on December 06 2018, 07:56
My pet wolf nearly got run down crossing the road so I showed him how to use pedestrian crossings correctly - he's aware wolf now
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on December 11 2018, 21:29
THE FESTIVE SEASON.

Tampax have just announced that they have decided to remove the string from their tampons and replace it with tinsel.

They went on to say that this will just be for the Christmas Period only !!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on March 03 2019, 16:20
Subject: THE TAX RETURN

 
 
  This would be even funnier if it weren't so true.The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".

 

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note:

"Who did I leave out?
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 21 2019, 04:21
Happy memories of quieter times…………………..

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia   lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


 
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia   lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


 
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Alphadug on April 21 2019, 18:25
Crushed nuts. I'm still laughing!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 21 2019, 20:04
Have a laugh and forget your problems for a minute or two.

 

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife

And Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya' think?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


 

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!

 ----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************** ****************************** ********************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile......hopefully the proof readers wil not be offended!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on June 17 2019, 17:23
December 2019 this is not a joke, but is reported to be a very rare phenomenon

Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 04 2019, 16:05
How to speak Blonde !

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO DUBLIN , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO DUBLIN.”

😂😂😂😂😂😂 sorry all my blondie friends 😂😂
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 19 2019, 19:07
Back in the Days.  -   A Rhyme to remind us older folk of what we are missing these days

(With a quick explanation for those not familiar with British currency pre decimalisation and the odd radio program before television really caught on.
A “tanner” was the colloquial name for a six pence coin, while a “bob” was the term for a twelve pence coin.
Listen with Mother was a radio story telling program for kids that used to be broadcast at 13.45 pm and which invariably started with the question “Are you sitting comfortably? Then we will begin!”

Back in the Days


Back in the days of tanners and bobs,

When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.

When football team families wore hand me down shoes,

And T.V gave only two channels to choose.

 
Back in the days of three- penny-bits,              (A multi sided coin value 3 pence)

when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.      (Head lice)

When snowballs were harmless; ice-slides were permitted

and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.

 

 

Back in the days of hot ginger beers,             (A non alcoholic drink for kids, also an irreverent term for ships engineers)

when children remained so for more than six years.

When children respected what older folks said,

and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.

 

Back in the days of Listen with Mother,

when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.

When cars were so rare you could play in the street.

When Doctors made house calls and Police walked the beat.

 


Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,           (A popular radio comedy with Spike Milligan, and compulsory listening for everyone)

when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.

It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,

and your annual break was a day by the sea.

 

 

Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,          (Now we are into TV programs and TV had nothing to do with personal orientation)

Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.

When children could freely wear National Health glasses,

and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.

 


Back in the days of rocking and reeling,

when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.

When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,

and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.    (A paper based betting system for guessing which football teams would win)

 


Back in the days when I was a lad,

I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.

Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.

Back in the days of tanners and bobs.


Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 26 2019, 07:49
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

* IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

*   RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.  THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

*   I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD,  I'M 25 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING. 
   
*   WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

*   BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

*   LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

*   VEGETARIAN:  ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN’T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

*   I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY???  -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

*   IN MY DEFENCE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

*  MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

*  SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

*  CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON

*  I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.

*  A WISE MAN ONCE SAID.............NOTHING.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 24 2019, 21:39
The Altar Boy at Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: dgmultimedia on September 26 2019, 12:05
December 2019 this is not a joke, but is reported to be a very rare phenomenon

Unfortunately not true - see 2029 !  ( didn't look any further forward as busted )
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 26 2019, 15:15
You’re right, and it doesn’t work too well for this year either. 823 years is a bit of a stretch too as apart from 2029, it also happens in 2035, 2040 and 2046, so that’s another bit of fake news on the rocks. Do you think we should let on to the Chinese or will that upset their fake feng shui ??
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 17 2019, 17:46
LAST TRIP TO COSTCO.


 
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Hemi the Stupid Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, what happened was I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people, they have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say !!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on December 29 2019, 17:07
THE ABC WIFE

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
 
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
 
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
 
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
 
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
.
.
.
.
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his left testicle.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on January 12 2020, 10:08
Subject: $ 2.99Special



"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."


$2.99 SPECIAL
I love it................................
If you are a senior you will understand this one;
if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them
a little better, and if you are not a senior yet.......
God willing, someday you will be.....

The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast, and all for $2.99.


'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering ‘a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.


'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.


She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!

Always laugh when you can - it's cheaper than medicine!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: captpatrick211 on March 19 2020, 16:08
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.  Bartender says "okay, I'll serve you - but don't start anything!"
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 04 2020, 23:05
A LITTLE DITTY FROM A LADY
 
 I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.

You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.

They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.

We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60's -
If you only knew the truth!

There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.

Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?

We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!

So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!

It didn't really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no bloomin’ flour!

Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.

At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey,  even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!

So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this bloomin’ virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.

We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!
 
Stay safe. Best wishes to you all.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 22 2020, 17:24
STIMULUS PACKAGE.

How the Stimulus Package Works

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

 
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, he stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

 
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

 
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

 
And that is how a Stimulus package works!!!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 21 2020, 09:52
SOME MATH TO START THE MORNING WITH A LAUGH

 

This Is said to come from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years’ experience. (And not much else better to do with their time !!).

It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud!!!

This is a strictly ....  mathematical  viewpoint ... and it goes like  this:

What Makes  100%?

 
What does it mean  to give MORE than 100%?

 
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings  where someone wants you to give over 100%.

 
How about achieving 103%?

 
What  makes up 100% in life?

 
Here's a little  mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 
If:
A B C D E F G H I J  K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

Is  represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  103%

AND, look how far ass kissing  will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7  = 118%

So, one can conclude  with mathematical certainty, that while  Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and  Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. 

Now you  know why Politicians are where they  are!           

 

Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula..............
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 21 2020, 14:36
A POEM FOR YOU

 
THE COVID IS RAGING   
MY LIFE IS A MESS

I LIVE IN PYJAMAS       
AND DON’T HAVE TO DRESS

I’M IN ISOLATION     
JUST STAYING AT HOME

AND WOULD GIVE MY LAST DOLLAR   
TO BE FREE TO ROAM

I’M SERIOUSLY AT RISK   
(OR THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY)

TELLING ME TO STAY IN     
AND NOT GO OUT EACH DAY

IN MY HEAD I’M SO YOUNG   
THOUGH MY LICENCE REVEALS

I’M A 70-PLUS SENIOR   
(BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT FEELS!)

WHEN I RUN OUT OF FOOD   
AND DELIVERIES ARE LATE

I HAVE TO BUY GROCERIES       
BETWEEN 7 AND 8

SO EARLY IN THE MORNING     
I HEAD OUT TO RESTOCK

AND DISCOVER A LINE UP     
THAT WINDS ‘ROUND THE BLOCK

SOCIAL DISTANCING SENIORS   
ALL 6 FEET APART

MAKE ME WONDER JUST WHEN   
I BECAME AN OLD FART

MY MEALS ARE REPETITIVE       
(A LOT LIKE MY GAS!)

AND I’M TIRED OF DISCUSSING       
WHY TRUMP IS AN ASS

MY LATEST NEW OUTFIT       
IS GLOVES AND A MASK

AND I’M STARTING TO WONDER     
IF I’M UP TO THIS TASK

I WASH ALL MY GROCERIES       
ALL FRUIT, MEAT AND VEG.......

WILL THIS ADDITIONAL PRECAUTION       
TIP ME OVER THE EDGE?

MY BEAUTIFUL BROWN HAIR       
HAS WIDE ROOTS OF GREY

NO HAIRDRESSERS AROUND       
TO HELP WASH THEM AWAY

I’VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF     
NOW I’M ANSWERING BACK

IS IT MONDAY OR FRIDAY     
I’VE REALLY LOST TRACK

I’VE STOPPED DOING HOUSEWORK     
IT’S WEEKS SINCE I’VE DUSTED

AND I KNOW WITHOUT VISITORS     
I’LL NEVER GET BUSTED

I FACETIME MY FRIENDS   
OR WE GROUP CHAT ON ZOOM

AND TRY TO PRETEND       
WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM

THANK GOD LIQUOR STORES   
ARE CONSIDERED ‘ESSENTIAL’

WITHOUT DAILY DRINKS   
THIS WOULD DRIVE US ALL MENTAL

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE     
IT IS GOOD TO REFLECT

ON WHAT THIS ALL MEANS         
AND WHAT WE CAN EXPECT

IT’S A TIME TO BE GRATEFUL   
FOR ALL THAT WE’VE GOT

LIKE A WARM HOUSE AND FOOD     
THAT OTHERS HAVE NOT

THE BOTTOM LINE HERE     
BY THE TIME THIS ALL ENDS

IS THAT WE’LL GET THROUGH IT     
WITH OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

SO EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER
IS A BIT OF A GRUMP

YOU CAN REALLY BE GRATEFUL       
YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO TRUMP!

       
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 25 2020, 08:54
Covid 19 won’t last forever !
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on July 30 2020, 19:31
Subject: Banking Rules


     The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $1,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent ... but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $100,000.”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $100,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed the stack of cash to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $99,500 back into her account.
.
.
.
Don't be difficult with old people ... we can outwit the young and dumb.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 01 2020, 15:37
CONTEMPORARY JOKES*

🦸🏻‍♂- Not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.

✋🏻🤚🏻- Never thought my hands, will one day consume more alcohol than my liver...never!

💀- Quarantine seems like a Netflix series...just when you think its over, they release the next season.

😜- I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive in excess weight!

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦- can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family...
or can we change?

⏳- I’m not planning adding this 2020 to my age...I didn’t even use it!

😟- We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it.

🙎🏻‍♀- To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them... how are you doing?

👨‍🦱👩🏼‍🦱- I feel like a teenager... no money in my wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 08 2020, 06:29
THE BACON TREE . . . . or

Two  Mexicans,  having  illegally  crossed  the  US Border  are  stuck  in  the  desert,  thirsty  &  starving.

  They  are  just  about  to  finally  give  up  &  await  the  end  when  all  of  a  sudden  Luis says .. .. .. .. ..

'Hey  Pepe  do you  smell  what  I  smell ?  Ees  bacon  I  theenk'

'Ess,  Luis  eet  sure  smell  like  bacon'

With  renewed  hope  they  struggle on,  up  the  next  sand  dune, and  there,  in  the  distance  is  a  tree  loaded  with  bacon.

There's  raw  bacon,  there's  fried  bacon,  back  bacon,  double  smoked  bacon .. .. .. .. .. Every  imaginable  kind  of  cured  pork.

'Pepe,  Pepe,  wees  saved  Eees  a  bacon  tree  !!'

'Luis, maybe  ees  a  meerage?  Wees  in  the  desert  remember'

Pepe,  since  when  deed  you  ever  hear  of  a  meerage  that  smell  like  bacon,  ees  no  meerage,  ees  a  bacon  tree!'

With  that  Luis  staggers  towards  the  tree.  He  gets  to  within  five  metres  with  Pepe  crawling  close  behind,  when  suddenly  a  machine  gun  opens  up  and  Luis  drops  like  a  wet  sack.  Mortally  wounded,  he  warns  Pepe  with  his  dying  breath .. .. .. .. ..

'Pepe....  go  back,  man,  you  was  right,  ees  not  a  bacon  tree'

'Luis,  Luis,  mi  amigo  .. .. ..  what  ees  it ?

Pepe .. .. .. ees  not  a  bacon  tree.  Ees ........

 

Ees......

 

Ees......

 

Ees......

 

Ees...... 

 

Ees......  A  ham  bush..  ..  .

Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 04 2020, 07:52
Don't you just love Little Harold!

 

HAROLD MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVOURITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of
her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'

 

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

 

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

 

 If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 17 2020, 02:20
How to test yourself for Corona Virus.

Step One: Pour a glass of wine and see if you can smell it.
Srep Two: If you can smell the wine, then drink some and see if you can taste it,
Step Three: If you can smell and taste it, you can confirm that you don’t have Corona Virus.


Last night I did the test nine times, and all were negative, thank God.
Tonight I’m going to take the test again, because this morning I woke up with a headache and feel like I’m coming down with something. I’m so nervous !

Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 04 2020, 20:51
A newly married couple in bed on their wedding night .
The woman says to her husband I have a confession !!! .............................
The husband says go on ..............,.........,,............well I used to be a hooker !!!!
Bloody hell the husband says then after a while he calms down
and says - well that actually turns me on - tell me more ..............

so the wife says - well my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan !!!!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on October 05 2020, 14:59
Dr Fauci.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told Joe Biden "This morning, three Brazilian people died from Covid-19.”

 

Biden’s face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and, to everyone’s relief, Biden got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

 

His staff were nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from Joe Biden, as they nervously watched him while he sat, head in hands.

 

Finally, Joe looked up and with a shaky quivering voice asked Dr. Fauci, "How many people is a brazillion?"
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on April 07 2021, 03:54
Subject: Psychiatrist v Bartender
 
 
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.”

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge I asked?”   
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.


Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having he asked?”
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so” said the shrink, and with a bit of an attitude he went on, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed, aint nobody under there now !”
 
It's always better to get a second opinion
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on May 10 2021, 05:32
Mama Knows Best……..

 

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Antonio for dinner.  He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Antonio’s roommate is.  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Antonio and his roommate than met the eye.  Reading Mama’s thoughts, Antonio volunteered,

“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Antonio saying,

“Ever since your Mama came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,

Antonio

A few days later, Antonio received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Moral:

Never try to outwit your Mama
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 18 2021, 07:17
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
 
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.   He made no attempt to start the cab.   The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey?  Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
 
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.    I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."
 
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
 
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell...... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, that's a businessman!
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on August 22 2021, 18:44
Japanese Banking Uncertainty.

I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector :

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song,
while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that
there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Title: Re: JOKES
Post by: Salty on September 19 2021, 08:36
WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet.
 *Bonus Question: *Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 One student, however, wrote the following:
 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
 As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
 Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 This gives us two possibilities:
 *1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
 *2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
 So, which is it?
 If we accept the postulate given to me by my girlfriend Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
 The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh God, I'm coming."
  The student received an A+ !!!!!!